Remember

Do you remember that friend you used to have that you could tell anything to and it never phased them? Or you didn't feel like they judged you? They didn't really offer advice, but they just listened? I had a friend like that once long ago. She knew everything that went wrong at school. I miss that. Unfortunately, the last conversation we had didn't go well. It was about 3 1/2 years ago when I moved to Redding. I was very unstable and mixed up then and I probably sounded like a lunatic. I don't remember what I said but we never spoke again after that. I tried writing her a letter probably about 5 or 6 months ago. I never got a response. She was a very dear friend and I don't think I showed enough appreciation for all that she did for me. She'd write me letters when I was visiting my dad during the summer. She wrote to me when she went away to college. She always had kind and encouraging things to say. She knew me at my best. Something that hasn't shown for a long time. I had tunnel vision at the time and unfortunately I didn't absorb all that she had to say. Maybe if I had, I could have maintained that self at my best and I could rebuild it. It's hard, to remember who you used to be or to be reminded of how the ones you loved and that loved you saw you when you aren't that anymore. And you feel guilty for not being strong enough to keep up and you feel guilty for giving up. And for being lost.