Inventory

I decided to post this to offset my last few blogs that weren't quotes. Also because I really haven't born my testimony much this summer or for what seems like a long time. I had a conversation with someone today that got me thinking. They told me that I had grown a lot over the past year and had really accomplished a lot of things. I stated that I really didn't feel like I had. With the things that happened over this summer my confidence had dropped to nothing and therefore I felt like nothing. But this person responded with an interesting response. She said that I had accomplished a lot but I was refusing to see it. That because of my low self-esteem it just wasn't clicking. So....in response to that I decided that I would take an inventory of my accomplishments and blessings from this very difficult summer that I really didn't know if I'd get through. I have never been pushed so hard and have never had to hold to the rod so tightly. And though my grip did slip, I've have gained some great things. One great blessing and accomplishment was the grades I got in my classes. I got A's in both and that really surprised me because I swear I was brain dead the last 2 months of school. Despite any struggling, my grades didn't suffer and that's great progress for me because I was not able to maintain that when I was last in school 5 years ago. Another blessing that I had was, despite the difficult time I had in Washington D.C. I was still blessed with the opportunity to go to the temple with Deanne. Heavenly Father knew how important it was to me and helped my dad and step-mom understand that on whatever level they did so that it did happen. And it was amazing and something I'll never forget. To backtrack a little, I was able to face an irrational fear. The driving thing. I know it may be a difficult thing to understand something that simple being so scary, but so it was. It was a fear that terrified me so much that I wasn't even sure that I would make it ok despite the fact that it was going to the temple and doing someting righteous and had been prompted and received conformation to do it. I had faith enough to know I was being directed but not enough to know the outcome and to take on an added difficulty. But again, that is the nature of irrational fear. You think irrationally. But I was able to face it. I went to Oakland and got to see Anna get sealed and feel the spirit there and I also got to be there for Layne's endowment session. And when I was feeling nervous and uncomfortable there, Heavenly Father directed me to where I needed to go to get that comfort when I was still nervous even being in the temple.

Then there was the teaching the class. That was a great accomplishment. Even though I hated it and it burned me out and I felt like I was going insane, I taught 4 people the job (and it wasn't even my normal job) well enough to 2 months later be bottomed out of inventory. And on top of that I was willing to do it even though I had very high reservations and no confidence. It also helped establish what I did and did not want to do with my future in the company.

I was blessed with the great opportunity to help with the ward missionary effort and was blessed with the opportunity to help teach the gospel. I'm not sure how helpful I really was, but I know it helped me. Having so many difficulties with my own conversion it was nice to be there for someone else's and to be reminded of the more positive aspects of my own. To remember how much sense the gospel made when I learned about it and my ability to see that despite the things that had happened. To feel good about the connections that I made with those that were there when I was being taught. Learning the gospel with someone has the ability to create an amazing bond between people and from my own investigation I have gained some amazing and what I'd consider to be, eternal friends and I am grateful for that.

To conclude, I have grown and I have accomplished a lot and have been amazingly blessed along the way. I have also learned of some areas that need improvement and can faithfully work on those things. That someone that I mentioned earlier also told me that they have a lot of respect for me because I always try to do the right thing. And it is true, I do, I'm definitely not perfect at it but I do try to do my best. And I did get away from doing that a little and had to learn some difficult lessons but I am grateful for that experience. If they come up later, I'll comment a little on what I learned but for now I just want to feel good that I actually did grow, accomplish things, and was blessed.